Welcome to the Burlington Coat Correctional Facility

There is a Burlington Coat Factory in my town. But I have never ventured inside, not once in the 11 years I've lived here.

I'm not really sure why.

Maybe because it looks like the prison Linda Blair was sent to in "Born Innocent".

Come in and buy a nice coat! We promise not to molest you in the shower!

I mean, really, BCF? I know that you're a discount warehouse, but surely you make enough profit to put in a window or two, don't you? Maybe hire some local graffiti artists to spray-paint a cheery mural on that longggg dirrrrty white wall? De-electrify the fence? 

Who in their right mind would shop in this black hole?

Ahem.

I needed a coat. And Macy's decor is very non-penal institution, but I could only afford their sleeves.

And so I found myself crossing the paper-strewn parking lot, and venturing inside, hoping that there wasn't an unscheduled lock-down due to another instance of Burlington selling coats made from dog pelts. Call me Cruella, but I was not in the mood for a "101 Dalmatians" shopping experience.

And guess what? I was so pleasantly surprised!

The inside was even scarier than the outside.

Tell me, if you saw a rack with a sign saying "Athletic Bottoms", what would you think? All sorts of strange notions of being able to purchase a tight, gym-rat tush crossed my mind before I realized that "Athletic Tops" was the next rack over. I was, however, happy to see a huge flourescent display of candy near the Ladies' Outerwear because I was going to need some kind of artificially-colored reward for surviving this experience.

But, of course, you realize that somehow God was going to teach me a spiritual lesson. What have I been drilling into my children's heads? "For the Lord does not see things the way that man does; man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

I found a coat. A full-length Calvin Klein down jacket, chocolate-brown, with a furry non-canine collar for $99. No tax. No dog. No kidding.

Oh Burlington, you who have the truthfulness to call thyself Factory, I salute thee. You don't pretend to be anything that you're not and I appreciate your humility.

But, Burl, seriously. Just so that I don't have to imagine your employees singing that depressing Sondheim song, "I Remember Sky" because they haven't seen the sun in so many years, put in a window. One window. That's all I ask.

 

Comments

[Diana]

That Burlington is a hidden gem. I've found more than a few things in there!

[tara]

But were you even swayed to get your hands on some Athletic Bottoms! ?!!? Heh. I mean since you are all into fitness now and all.

Funny description. I felt that way in the Kmart store that I ventured into last week. Ultra scary. And sadly no calvin Klein coats there. Lose lose for sure.

[Kimberly]

I agree with Diana. I had never been to one when my mom dragged me in last year. I was pleasantly surprised.

[Amy Wefer Faucher]

I've lived in town for 15 years, and I, too, have never set foot into that place. Congrats on the new coat!

[dusty earth mother]

See? I knew I wasnt crazy! Well, you know, I am crazy, but not about Burlie.

[Trickiewoo]

Oh, the bargains I've found there when I can't face the mall.
They closed for a couple of weeks a year or so ago to renovate, couldn't you tell?

[dusty earth mother]

THATS THE RENOVATED VERSION?? Sorry, had a Mama Rose moment.

[MAMA ROSE]

SEE!!! WHAT DID I TELL YA. BURLINGTON PRISON IS THE BEST AND LOOKS THE SAME AS IT DID 30 YEARS AGO IN CHICAGO. I REMEMBER ALL THE RACKS OF STUFF - WHEW. I ALMOST SMOTHERED ONE DAY IN THE COAT RACK AND ENDED UP WITH A LONG "GREEN" COAT IN JACKET MATERIAL THAT I HAVE AND LOVE TO THIS DAY. GOT A ZIP OUT LINING AND ZIP OFF HOOD. WHAT A BUY AND THAT WAS 25 YEARS AGO FOR 79$. PRICES HAVEN'T CHANGED THAT MUCH. THEY ALSO SELL GREAT TYHINGS FOR THE HOUSE. YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF THE PLACE.
WHO GIVE YA THE BEST ADVICE BABY AND WHO LOVE YA THE BEST????
MAMA ROSE - THAT'S WHO

[Lady Jennie]

Of course they had a great coat!

You're still funny. :-)

[Jenners]

Ours doesn't look quite as foreboding but it isn't far off! You can find some good deals though if you're willing to take some time. Glad you found one!

[Kristin]

There is practically around the corner. NEVER BEEN INSIDE. I feel like...I don't know...that it's dirty...that I could get molested inside...that something bad will happen.

Now I just might. Damn you.

[dusty earth mother]

Go! And let me know if theres a metal detector at the door.

[Katbron]

Oh goodness - good find!
I can't shop there - I feel I might never be allowed out. Kind of a "welcome to the Hotel California - you can check out any time you want but you can never leave"

[Anna Lefler]

Oh, you made me laugh out loud with this one!

And your new coat sounds beautiful!

XO

A.

[Farrah]

hahha! This is awesome. We have one here and my husband is seriously afraid of it. here's a tip- to get the full experience, you really should try it at Christmas. Not kidding.

[dusty earth mother]

I have an idea, Kathy: if all my frightened readers made a first visit to Burlington and their sales went up, I could be their new spokesperson!

[dusty earth mother]

Oooh, that is both marvelously tempting and utterly terrifying.

[Linda]

haha. Thanks again for another laugh. I never really thought about it this way. There can be some good and unique finds there. I remember a long time ago when it was The Willow Avenue Factory Outlet.

[Charlotte]

We live in the same town and I've always been too terrified to go in and try out this BCF. But maybe I just will... because $99 on a Calvin Klein is a pretty sweet deal. Even though it does look like a correctional facility.

[Ann]

I believe they call their baby store "Baby Depot." This may or may not involve a conveyor belt.

HILARIOUS post Shari.