While you were out today tending to your oh-so-important human needs and I was sitting around waiting for your return because I have no life other than to serve you, I read a very interesting article in Paw Nation.
There is a new book coming out called Dog, Inc. which is about something called "dog cloning". Apparently, you can collect the cells of your beloved pet, take them to a clinic and for $100,000, they will make you a new dog that is the exact replica of your old dog.
And I'm just wondering--when were you planning on telling me about this?
I'll tell you when. NEVER.
Because you're soooo selfish.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe I would like to leave some sort of legacy? Oh, sure, I guess I could just get myself knocked up like you did, after all I'm only 8 which is 56 in human years, and that's just about the age you were when you popped those babies, right?
Oh, but wait! I just remembered! I can't do that, because someone had me fixed when I was six months old! And what a coincidence, it's the same person who kept mum about the cloning thing. Well, well. Small freakin' world, huh?
Listen, don't think I'm stupid. I know why you don't want another one of me. It's because you think I have an attitude problem. You're just like that guy in Germany in the 1940's who had all those women sterilized because he didn't want them to pass on their mental illness. You think I haven't heard you call me "a headcase"?
"Oh, no, Chandy, it's not that! It's just the money," I can hear you say. $100,000. That's just about what you paid to go to acting school, isn't it? Sure have had some great return on that investment, huh?
Yeah, yeah, I'm done. But I'd just like to add one more thing before I close and trot off to eat the same dinner I've eaten every single night of my eight years in your inestimable care--you don't want to clone me, fine. But I'm planning to stick around and make your life a living hell for as long as possible, and when I go, there's going to be a Haunting like you've never imagined possible.
I'm going Poltergeist, babe.
Barking all night long 'til the cops come and you try to explain that no, your dog's buried in the back yard.
Mysterious piles on the living room carpet that disappear when you go to clean them up and then reappear in your sock drawer.
And whatever you do, don't turn your back on your steak dinners, Christmas cookies, or the new dog.
Because any canine that crosses your threshold that's not me, or a clone of me, ain't long for this world.
Just a heads-up.
Your Best Friend,
Chandy
(Hey, don't forget to check out my giveaways page for a chance to win an advance copy of "Look Both Ways", the latest CD from the awesome kids' rock band, ScribbleMonster!)
I think you should be very afraid of this dog of yours....but then I look at that smooshed in face and my cute-response kicks in, and I just can't be scared of her.
Posted by: Tracie | January 4, 2011 at 10:11 PM
Yeah she's all that.
Posted by: Lady Jennie | January 5, 2011 at 05:35 AM
I think I should clone my dog, he's so cute. But then the world would be overrun by overly affectionate, fluffy, easily excitable yet lazy dogs.
Posted by: Nicole | January 5, 2011 at 09:13 AM
Okay now I'm a little scared of Chandy.
Posted by: Christine Peel | January 5, 2011 at 12:29 PM
As you should be, Christine.
Posted by: dusty earth mother | January 5, 2011 at 12:46 PM
Oh my gosh - I can hear Chandy reading that aloud while writing it! You are the best!
Posted by: katbron | January 5, 2011 at 02:42 PM
That sounds pretty freakin' crazy to me. I don't even want a cloned chicken.
Posted by: Jana @ An Attitude Adjustment | January 5, 2011 at 05:43 PM
...Chandy, who said anything about new dog? No, your memory will be plenty!!
Posted by: Chandy's Dad | January 5, 2011 at 06:10 PM
Oh my gosh, my husband left a comment on my blog. Get the smelling salts, I think I just fainted.
Posted by: dusty earth mother | January 5, 2011 at 07:19 PM
"Someone had me fixed"
That is when you had me. Hilarious!!!
I think Chandy's Dad also might be in denial about the new dog. ;-)
Posted by: Carrie | January 6, 2011 at 05:26 AM
Isn't having a dog just grand?
Posted by: Lizgizzy | January 6, 2011 at 10:44 AM
More than grand, Lizgizzy. Spectacular.
Posted by: dusty earth mother | January 6, 2011 at 10:57 AM
You should clone that dog now!
Maybe if my cats posted on my blog my husband would comment.
Posted by: Julia | January 6, 2011 at 02:20 PM
Hmmm...sounds like Chandy has some deep seated issues. Perhaps therapy is in order?
Posted by: Jenners | January 9, 2011 at 05:32 PM