Have Yourself a Multi-In-Law Christmas

 

 

There's no more fascinating holiday/relationship dynamic than the Multi-In-Law Christmas.

 

 

Especially when one of those in-laws...

is Mama Rose.

 

 

My husband's parents are Filipino. They are soft-spoken, wealthy and unspeakably elegant. They go to the Symphony. They have art hanging on the walls of their home. They eat every meal with placemats and cloth napkins.

Mama Rose is Italian. Her speaking volume's lowest setting is "Eardrum Rattling". She has a sign in her house that reads "If I'm not here, try Wal-Mart". Her napkins are paper towels ripped in half and her placemats are old newspapers. You know, to sop up the spaghetti gravy.

Add into the mix our host, my husband's brother, in whose home we all congregated for the holiday. Yes, that would be the two million dollar home perched atop a cliff overlooking Lake Erie with the cream-colored silk couches and the Philipine lace tablecloth that he was afraid to let us eat on.

And guess who was sleeping on one of those couches?

Mama Rose is a self-proclaimed sofa-sleeper. She gets claustrophobia in bedrooms. She also needs a place where the TV can be on for the whole night, just in case she wakes up at 3am and there's something good on Lifetime.

So Brother-in-Law kindly agreed to put sheets on his fancy sofa and gave her the remote that runs the twenty thousand dollar sound system, the house alarm system and the lights throughout the entire house.

And on Sunday night at 1am, when everyone else was asleep and she was up watching "About Last Night", she dropped the remote on the glass table, HARD. The remote control flashed bright red lights while she hissed desperately "No, no, no, no NO!" and then went dead.

So there was Mama Rose at 1am, crying and suffering heart palpitations, certain she had broken the twenty thousand dollar sound system of her son-in-law's brother. It's a wonder she didn't pee the silk couch.

Not only that, but she had no way to turn off the TV. And the next movie was "Superman 2".

"DA DUM DA DA DA DA DUM, DA DA DA DA DUM, DA DA DA DA!!!!!!!"

Over and over and over and over again.

She never slept. The whole night. Just sat there and cried and panicked and suffered to loud 80's movies. And wondered if she could make it over to Wal-Mart before everyone woke up and replace the twenty thousand dollar sound system.

In the morning, she found out that the remote simply had to go back in the charger. She shed tears of relief and spent the day falling asleep at all the family activities that involved sitting for any period of time.

You see, this is what happens When Families Collide. When a Paper Towel intermarries with a Cloth Napkin. When the Lifetime Channel shares space with the Philharmonic. When a Silk Couch becomes a Cot for the Kind-Hearted But Clumsy.

Hope your Multi-In-Law Christmas was merry, guys. xxxooo from me and Mama Rose.

(Oh, and if you want to give me a belated Christmas gift, slide over and Like me on my Facebook page.)

Comments

[Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings]

I would have been just like Mama Rose....poor lady!

[Cindi Hartman]

I put my foot down this year and Greg and I and the dogs stayed at a nearby hotel rather than at his parents' home. His mother was livid that we preferred to spend money on a hotel than stay in her house (a hoarder's paradise).

I was delighted to have a bed that actually fits both Greg, I and both dogs, didn't aggravate my back problems and featured clean, comfortable sheets (not the threadbare 100-something count bargains that his mother bought sometime in the '60s that are apparently "good enough"). I was thrilled to have room to hang up my clothes, and an empty counter on which to place my purse, and floor space in which my bags could go. And I was practically orgasmic about having a bathroom to ourselves, instead of sharing the terrifying "powder room" that his parents use (moldy towels, mildew on the walls in the shower, and every millimeter of counter and sink covered with bottles of shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer and bar of soap from every hotel they've been to for the last 40-something years). Most important, I was relieved to be at a place that actively welcomed my dogs and had a nice safe, clean environment for them. I'll risk my own health, but not my fur-kids!

Unlike past Christmases, when it was time to dress for dinner, I was able to take a shower, change into unwrinkled dress clothes, put on make up and look good when I arrived. In the past, when we stayed with his parents, I'd have to dig through my suitcase (which we had to keep outside the bedroom because there was no room IN the bedroom to put a case) to retrieve underwear, toiletries and an outfit, block the bathroom door with a stone to make sure no one would accidentally come in while I was trying to clean up and get changed and still come out looking like I'd slept in whatever I was wearing...

So it was a much merrier Christmas this year. Thank heaven for the Kimpton pet-friendly hotels.

[dusty earth mother]

Oh Cindy! That made me laugh. Especially the image of all the shampoo bottles.

[dusty earth mother]

I know, Lisa, me too.  Im her child, after all.

[Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip]

OMG I just died and went to heaven. This is the best story I've read all year. (Next to all your other stories of course.) I would tell some stories on my own family here, but I'm afraid they will find them and disown me forever. Suffice to say that I have a few that rival this one, but I doubt I could tell them with as much humor and hilarity. I love you, Shari!!

[dusty earth mother]

Youre the best, Naomi. Sooooo happy to hear your virtual voice again, darlin.

[Carrie]

Oh boy. After the first couple of lines in, I did this. Gulp.

What a sweetie Mama Rose was to worry all night. She needs a big hug!

[Taobao in English]

Wow! I love this!*

[Lady Jennie]

So funny. What funny mix in cultures. Just like your marriage huh huh

[Melanie]

Ohmigosh! How I do miss you and hubby's parents. What characters! Hilarious. Wish I was there to witness it. Great post!

[dusty earth mother]

thanks, mel. yes, you wish you could have been a fly on the wall, right?

[dusty earth mother]

Thanks, Taobao. Who are you? :-)

[Triplezmom]

What a great story, though poor Mama Rose. Superman 2 makes me shudder.

[dusty earth mother]

I know, TripleZ. Me too.

[MAMA ROSE]

OH SHARI - GOOD STORY - EVEN I HAD TO LAUGH. BUT THAT WAS TRULY ONE OF THE WORST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE. I'M STILL SUFFERING THE MEMORY. OH THAT SUPERMAN MOVIE - UGH - UGH - UGH. THAT MUSIC IS STILL IN MY BRAIN.
LOVE YA
MAMA ROSE

[Ameena]

Eardrum rattling...I love it! I love Mama Rose and her crazy adventures...she is totally cute and funny and I can see my parents totally turning in to her in a few years!!

[dusty earth mother]

Ok, I just have to say it--isnt Mama Rose THE BEST? Thats all CAPS for you, lady.

[Mrs.Mayhem]

OH, I just want to give Mama Rose a hug!

Love the analogy of the paper towel marrying a cloth napkin! I can relate --> of course, I am the paper towel ripped in half, too.

[the mama bird diaries]

Hilarious. But seriously, how awesome is "About Last Night?"

[mep]

Ah, Poor Mama Rose. When I read this post, it reminded me of being a tween and spending the night at a friend's house and I don't know, clogging their toilet (don't think I ever really did that) or walking through their screen door or spilling orange soda on their couch or something . . . and then just being crippled with anxiety.

MAMA ROSE is THE BEST indeed!

[Alexandra]

Oh, Shari...oh, Shari.

I cannot stop laughing.

I think this is as funny as your first post I read from you...on the pugs going crazy all over your hair.

This one? This one here? I had to cover my mouth so no one would hear me laughing.

This was beyond funny.

The thought of Mama Rose falling asleep the whole next day b/c she was up with bad 80's movies...the thought of that poor woman sweating it out all night...the graphic of her handwringing on the sofa all night...it's just too much for me.

I had to pee a little. In my pants.

This post here is a prize winner. It has to be somewhere as a cure for all that could ail anyone. Because I have just forgotten all my troubles with this post.

Thank you, God, for this one here tonight.

It was fantastic.

[dusty earth mother]

Thank you, sweet Empress. Im glad we could both laugh that much over Mama Roses pain :-) I still cant stop laughing myself about her telling me about listening to Superman 2 while she was crying and wringing her hands. Oh my goodness.

[amber]

The very thought of silk couches makes me quake with fear...but at least all handled it with grace! My family could take lessons.

[glass dining table]

Nice story you have shared with us

[Louis Vuitton Outlet]

Nice story you have shared with us